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I’m trying to let my self happy, not forgeting but forgiving.

I’m so happy for the past 6 months. I start to accepting that it’s gonna be alright. I thought it would be enough. I keep in touch with a lot of my friend. But still......

I still cry daily. For half or two hours. But the hardest part is i need to wipe my tears, asking to myself

What do you want?

I want to quit, just tell me how can i do?

I want to be free, i want to be happy, i want a better life.

I already forgive you, why r u still there?

Even the sky are falling, we must stay fighting right?

I’m trying to hug myself, calm my nerve, let my blood flow, but i ended up crushing my own body.

Today i’ve my worst break down (for the last month), this morning i contact my friend wish him goodluck for his progress day, he ended up send me picture of him and thank me. The day went well. His presentation was okay, he can answer all the question. It was a good day.

But suddenly the day becoming so blue(still 9 A.M). I try to let my self calm, i can feel the pain without any cause. I cry for two and half hours. My eyes are so sore. I can’t breathe properly. But i dont want to break my fast. After that i’m trying to do things, but everytimes i move i can’t stop cry. So i just close my eyes, push myself to sleep. But i can’t sleep. When my feeling r getting better. I start to groom my cats.

Thank you for not doing stupid things.

I know we can do it together.

Sorry for bad English, i just dont feel to write in Bahasa.

Sorry for the title. I just cant think rn.

Anyways I’m happy, I’m not sad even little bit. Dear my friend you’re doing enough for me. But sometimes me was being me. I’m sorry if you feel bad bcs i still cry when you’re always there for me. And thank you for being my friend. I love you all.

Red (21.05.2021)